Sweet Disposition

The time of my life......

I've taken forever to post because I've been off on a lovely adventure and living a beautiful life. For the most part, for the first time in a long time, I've been charmed. I just spent the last through weeks living in New York and loving it. I finished the best semester of my life with the best grades I've had in years. I worked a great internship...that was paid! I finally loved myself enough to walk entirely away from Mr. Man and leave his crap behind. I'm walking into my new life with brand new spirit and brand new eyes. I'm sliding in 6 and squeezing into 4...so close now.

Head up...Eyes open....in everything I do.

Stability

The past few weeks have been rough. I don't really know what's going on and I've been kind of walking around in a bit of a daze. Nothing terrible or dire has happened, but it still hasn't been heavy. I'm home for the holidays this week and the stress from school has been sort of pushed to the wayside...along with my diet. Despite that I seem to have lost a pound in the few days I've been home anyway. As long as I get to rest for a while I sadly don't seem to care.

Note: Mr. Man....what could I possibly have to say to or about this man. He's been a wreck while I've been away. He want's to talk to me for hours on end at all times of the day and night, he's talked about visiting, and spent yesterday climbing all over me and yet he doesn't want to be called "boyfriend" and he went out to some party and came back with a hickey yesterday. When he knew I'd be back....at least lie to me and act like you want to be with me. Do you want to be in a relationship....or do you want "something else". I am no man's booty call. Period.

She Wolf

This has been an up and down kind of week/month(/life, if we're going to be real about it). I got a terrible grade on a midterm and then got a great grade back on a paper. I have 3 more papers due in the next week. I have started on none. That hurts my soul...just a little.

I also managed to loose two pounds in the last two weeks. I am now below the weight I was before I started gaining. If I can keep this up, I'll be my ideal weight in no time.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving though...I need the time away from this place. School has in now way pulled me into the downward spiral which it did last year and quiet frankly I wouldn't let it. I would kill to keep that kind of darkness away. Right now I have my body (not all of it, but getting close), I have my mind (my grades have been pretty good, for now), my heart (I
m breaking up with Mr. Man, of my own choice and it actually doesn't hurt). I have so much right now, so much that I would kill to keep. I just need to keep it up and if I'm lucky I can get myself even more. Like a wolf stalking its prey....

There, There

What am I to do?

I feel as though I have been walking in a fog. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. There is something so strange about that feeling and I don't seem to be able to nail everything down.

Mr. Man.....what I complex subject. His mother doesn't like me and has made that abundantly clear...through the phone, even. After that, I sort of reevaluated my feelings and I want him gone and I want him so badly at the same time. I don't understand what's going on with it but I can feel as though I want out. I'd rather be alone that deal with this.

He called on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored him....He then jilted me for the past two nights. What's a sad, silly little girl to do.


School...oh school. I'm convinced that my little New England school is evil and all around bad for you. It makes you fat (I've gained 2.6 pounds over that last two weeks, while busting my ass at the gym nearly everyday), self loathing and depressed - and those are the good days. I've been trudging along and doing pretty well at it, until this week. Midterms reared their ugly head and have taken a chuck out of the brand new academic life I wanted for myself this year.

All I can do is keep my head up, look forward and walk into the light.

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down...

This week hasn't really been bad at all. It hasn't been extraordinary, but it has been something. Classes have started and I actually got into all them despite 3 out of four being in extremely high demand. I;ve extricated myself from a few toxic relationship and managed to make some new ones. Other than a slight mixup at work, I've been relatively good with all my jobs.

Down to a 6.Gyming it up on a daily and still eating well. Fingers Crossed.

Mr. Man is back and for now. I think that's a very good thing.
I could use someone....



just like him.

Lie Through Your Teeth

Up and down.

My life feels like a constant roller coaster ride, filled with these amazing highs and tumultuous lows. I keep trying to eat healthy and stay on top of my diet, but its so hard when I'm not cooking my own meals and I have planned meetings and traing with food and no means of escape.

Stuck with those people again... Some of them are great and some are just nightmares to be around. What kills me is that it still hurts when even they don't want to be around me. Some people do care, but you know how that goes - for every one that does your mind will find 10 more that would leave you to die.

Mr. Man has unilaterally decided to discontinue our relationship, whatever it was or may have become. Its over now.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

The (After) Life of the Party

Surrounded.

On all sides and by all obstacles. School never fails to disappoint. I've been here for four days and my great summer moral is nearly completely shot. Our director, who normally I love, has been completely weird with me and I don't know why. We're in our training phase and I hope its either a)I'm no longer directly on her staff, or b) she's stressed out. But you know me, any excuse to think I've done something wrong and deserve to be treated like shit. Also, she fat and one of those people that belives the world is sizist, ie its not my fault so I can stuff my face. Again I love her, but she lives in total denile. She also supervised the food shopping. Can you say litterally, and I mean literally 3 full car loads of just left overs that we moved today. Fat me, part duex in 3..2..

My birthday was yesterday and I couldn't be with anyone who really cared about me.

Even I forgot for a while.

I feel so empty here.

I feel so alone.

At training I'm put into this forced awkward group situation where I feel as though no one wants me around. I'm not what anyone wants or expects. I'm the zeppo. No one knows or cares to know. But I'm forced to stay and watch myself be excluded. The worst part is the very unfortunate catch 22 that is created: If you stay you're left totally alone in a room full of people and if you leave they get to blame their lack of interaction on you being aloof.

Note: Mr. Man has forgotten I exist.

I miss my mother. I miss church. I miss my friends.

Now I'm left signing songs that only catch the ears of the desperate.

Welcome Back.

Don't Worry Baby

Does the scale lie? Work like a rear view mirror? Fat girl on scale may be larger than she appears.
The scales says 17 pounds down, but how accurate is that?

Back at school early tomorrow...will anyone notice? Last year it was all kudos. "Wow. You look so thin!" Will that every happen again?

On to happier times. Since today was my last day at home, I was hoping to see Mr. Man and luckily I ran into him as he was getting off work. I didn't get as close to him as I did on Monday, but it at least alleviated any thoughts that he had had his fun and now was done. He seemed bummed that I was leaving ad wants me to call and maintain the standard facebook communication with him while I'm out of town.

So much to think about, so much to want, so much to worry.

For You I Will (Confidence)

I saw him again today, and there was this one awkward moment while riding in his car, but for the most part it was absolutely lovely. He took me to him favorite organic supermarket downtown. We showed each other our favorite foods, - vegetables, snacks, teas. We even talked about what kinds of whole wheat flours we like to use.

I wanted to kiss him so badly, but..there are so many buts. But he just got out of a relationship. But I'm going back to school - in two days. But I don't think I'm his type. My friends like to think that he likes me and I think he was trying to get me to go out with him tonight. It would be just my luck that he likes them tall and skinny and blonde.

I wanted to kiss him so many times today but nothing seemed to fit. And no I'm not in that cute guy induced haze. He's smart, but he's not in school any more. He walked away from MIT and now refuses to even go to our local tech school. He's nice and sweet, but we don't have the same beliefs, which to me at least are very important.

Now that I've wasted this post on McHottie...onto my weight. My measurements have certainly shrunken along with the descending numbers on the scale. My mother, of all people told me that I looked thinner....in light colored jeans to boot (those things make your ass look like Mt. Rushmore). I'm more than half way to my goal...12 more pounds to go.

Living is Simple

Counting down the days...and right now living is simple and living is easy, at least for right now. I'm really not feeling anything except the the warm summer breeze and the urge to lay out. I have been so much more positive over the past few months, and I've been told that its disarming. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I certainly don't care. I feel good - great actually. The same is true from my appearance. Sweet 16...right on the scale. It may not be much for you, but for me it the start of something more beautiful and new.

Sidenote: I have finally met a man who intrigues me. Funny, intelligent (MIT), and attractive. Plus he's a smart-ass, just the way I like them. I could wish for something more, but the grind of school recommences in exactly one week. If only in my mind....

Wouldn't It Be Nice

Lazy summer hours - your days are numbered. 11 - Eleven days and nights until the next chapter in my collegiate tales. One more pound away from losing 10% of my starting body weight. I think that shocks me more. Sometimes, I think it would be great if all this could have happened all on its own - a sudden internal peace, sustained weight loss.

I wish it do its own upkeep too. Its going to be a long year.

Paranoid

Why are you so paranoid?

In 15 days I'll be back in my college town. I have weeks of meetings, interviews, training, and work followed by the official start of the semester. I have a new found sense of hope and belief this summer, which is part of the reason behind my nonexistent posting over the summer. I am full of energy and life, but that is just as it was last year. That's were the fear and the edge of trepidation comes from.

My hope and faith however has allowed me to see that there is a difference, all be it small. That past hope, those dreams of better days were tinged with a sorrow and hopelessness that at the time I had pushed to the side. I believed that last year was the height of ideal and the pinnacle of my struggle against my bursting waistline.

So far I'm down almost 15, yes one - five, pounds and will continue to go that way until I reach my goal. Twelve more!

Lying is the Most Fun

The suspense is killing me!
Have I lost anything? Have I gained! It's like there is a big jeopardy clock ticking in my mind, counting down the days until I'm back at school trapped under the weight of all the things that crushed my dreams like the dead and dying leaves of fall. I still have so much time, but it feels as though I have none. I can't wait to have the freedom I once had, but I don't want to return to the pressure and pain.

I can already fell my heart - beating faster, faster........
Until there's nothing left.

Closer

Everyday I get a little closer, dear -
I don't feel thinner, but everyone, including the scale says I am. TEN! Hopefully that will be more on by this Saturday. I have five more weeks until I'm back at the salt mines - ah the glorious grasp of private New England college. Painfully thin girls, athletically trim boys, and the snowy winters to die for.....

Here's a bit my thinspo collection to make up for my recent absence

Orbiting

Another splendid day. I can only hope that this streak can continue. Whenever I have a random string of good days, it's only a matter of time until they're over, replaced by the relative regularity of depression and emptiness. I don't know if I can trust what feel right now, but it's hard not to go with a good feeling.

Something else that scares me - ed. I've been trying very hard to loose this weight in a healthy way, and I actually have been, but everyday I hear this voice in my head that says "You're not thin enough yet! You're not loosing enough, fast enough! Starve!". Every time I diet, I go beyond that and end up doing more harm than good. I've ever talk about it, but I pushed to try and recover this past winter and for the most part I did, but still struggle with being a healthy weight. I'll always want to loose more, even when I'm a perfectly healthy weight.

I think that voice will be there for a very long time, but for now I've been keeping it at bay...I feel a sense of change orbiting my life....

Little Pieces

Do hearts and souls come with return policies. It feels as though the answer to that question today is yes. I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks and, for now at least, I've been feeling fine...better than fine. Other than a few slight irritations, this week has been mostly positive. Had some laughs with a few old friends and for a while it felt just like old times again. My mother's been keeping herself busy and mostly out of my way. Anytime that we do interact, its been positive and mostly fun for us both.

In terms of weight - my ass has begun its retreat. I've been managing my weight pretty effectively and I've lost some weight, but no where near what I would like...but it's one little piece at a time. I was wrong before; coming home has given me a measure of piece, and something else. More and more pieces of myself seem to come back...

It's like I get to tell the world, no matter what, there's a little piece of me you can't have.

We're So Starving

Weight Watchers - up and down. I feel like I'm losing some and gaining some. There's now real way for me to tell. This is a bit of digression, but its my blog and I'll babble if I want to. Last year, while I was dabbling in my second encounter with ana, I had a wonderful scale that measure to the tenth of pound. I purchased it when I first began flirting with her during my freshman year, but alas it was left behind during this year's christmass break and an inferior replacement was purchased.

And thus, I don't know where I stand. I feel as though I have lost some wieght, but I don't at the same time. It's actually quite nerve racking. These feelings have only been reinforced by my own mother and her constant need to let me know how fat I am. (I don't think she relizes that despite the fact that she lost weight - she still looks fat. If you're my height 130 looks fat, and she's shorter with the same body type....so you draw that picture for yourself.)

I'm only really going to the meetings for her though. I've gotten to the point were I don't really care about anything anymore. My life isn't for me anyway, so why worry about it.
Side note - jobless; this economy....well you know already.....

The Sound of Settliing

Why did I think that a change of scenery would change my life. I mut have forgotten that this year was the year of losses, a year on a metaphorical skid row. The worst part about it is that I hate people who complain avout that sort of thing and I really feel as though I did try. I tried so hard to keep my head above water in all the things that turned on me, but there is only so much that you can do, only so much that you can control.

that's what I've thought about today. All the things that bother me and all the things I've lost. Its not the first time and I doubt that it will be the last. I still think its because I was never really meant to live a life. I don't mean to say that my life, my existence is a mistake, just that the life I wanted is not what I'm supposed to have. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was special like a princess or a something and that the world was the way that it was so that I wouldn't suspect it; that all the people I saw and spoke to were actors or robots sent to move my life story along. Now I realize that I was right, that there are robots and certain special people, I was only wrong about which side I was on...

I just joined weight watchers last weekend, to make my mother happy even though I know -

Stop & Stare II

I thought coming homw would be just what I needed..and like everything else it proved to be just in oasis in a desert full of emptiess and lies (oh God, I sound like some pathetic Twilight obsessed teenager, don't I). My mother, who is obsessed with body image and weight has constantly talked about how noticeable my weight gain is...to anyone that will listen. She said so, in front of my best friend, who I haven't seen in ages. He was at least polite, nice, and tactful enough to move on very quickly, but then again he has his own problems right now. I also had a very strange deja vu involving my old high school and my ex's little brother, who looks just like him. It almost felt like the 2 years that have gone by in the interum were never there and then I looked down. Everything aout me is different, my hair is crapy and short now, I feel stupid and fat and the world has done everything to make that very clear to me.

I have this notion that my life has certain running themes. One of them is the idea that the while the world moves on, changes, and grows...I don't. All I can do is watch. It's happened nearly my whole life. Small things change, but not much. Sometimes I wonder....does everyone see what I see?

Fluorescent Adolescent

This past month has been hectic and hard. Finals, moving, working all in quick succession. I did manage to pull my myself out of my academic nosedive with a last minute flourish and, at least for now, I'll still still be okay going into thesis writing. I've been going to the gym lately, too, but not as hard as I used to. This summer may just be the time that I need to pull myself together. Even though I've been feeling a bit depressed, its nothing like they way I'd felt earlier this year. Now, when I think about the summer and going how I think about how good it will feel and I start to glow from the inside. I feel like I could light up the room if I wanted - and now I'm finally happy enough to try.

Thinking of You

I have been under tremendous stress this week. Its finals here and I have been working myself to the bone. I literally wrote 10 pages of two papers the night before last. I then stayed up last night making note cards for an exam I have later this week. If I can do that and get this last 15 pg. behemoth I'm nearly home free. I've even lost weight ths week. I'm down two pounds without straving or exercising. Who knew? Home free.....I can see it now. My own bed, my old life, my mom....I can almost smell that sweet southern air already....

I actually felt a bit better yesterday. I was not so south of smiling. Me, actually being happy. Its an almost unsettling surprise everytime and I love the litte glimmers of it I do get.

When I'm with him....when I'm here......i'm thinking of you


I am Jack's disjointed smile

No Sunlight

I've had some really deep conversations this week and I've come to the conclusion that I cannot connect to other people. I've tried to tell them how I feel and why and I've literally gotten blank stares. They don't know why I can't just make myself happy. Truthfully, neither do I. It seems as though I will be afforded none of the understanding that I have previously given to others. I say previously because I don't think I have the strength or will to care about anyone else like that anymore. Looking back on my life I've started to see myself as a vessel, both full and yet completely empty. I've yearned to be filled with everyone else's feelings and needs yet desperate to get mine own out. I think in some ways I tried to do the say with my weight and food. I want to fill my self up and yet I need to get rid of it all. I simultaneously feel okay with that weight, that heaviness but I can't deal with it either.

I am Jack's wounded eyes.....

Sometimes I have these great lovely days and I remember little glimmers from past ones. Just like the sun's rays on my face. My life now is as if clouds have rolled in.

I am Jack's broken heart....

There's no sunlight anymore.

Transatlanticism

I spent a good part of today just doing something for myself. And it felt great. I could just move away from all the haze and craziness and just BE...then it was back to the real world. I sat through a meeting tonight and all I wanted to do was disengage. I don't belong there, with those people, in this place. We are incompatible. I am incompatible. With everything, everyone, everywhere.

"Growing up, I assumed I was the word that rhymed with none other - like 'silver' or 'orange', glistening bright, but sonnet foiling and always solitary traveling." - Kenji Yoshino, Covering

That's one of my favorite sayings that relates to myself. The second I read it that's all I could think.

Another thing that is not contributing to my mood is a very passive agressive e-mail that I recieved tonight. I kind of want to send a response, but I have more dignity, and less worthless time, than that would require. I would like to say, though, I refuse to lie for people. If you messed up, then you messed up. That's not me hating what you do. That's not me bashing. That's just life. If mine isn't a walk in the park, why should yours get to be?

Better In Time

Millions of little pastel pills. I wish I could surround myself with one that took care of each of my problems. A pill to fix my grades, a pill to drop my weight, a pill to fix my life, and a pill to take it away. I felt supremely lonely today, even in large rooms filled with people. Isolated. Alone. At least ana was my friend and I had her to hug my lovely bones. Without her, it seems, I have no one and nothing left.

We Do What We Want To

I'm having trouble gaining ground. Sometimes I can't feel what's going on inside of me or what's going on in the world. I lose, I gain. In the end all those pluses and minuses add up to me being nothing. Today was one of those day's were I just made myself numb. I didn't try to feel what I didn't want to . I had things to do, but I ignored them and went on my merry way. I also ate whatever crosses my path, not thinking, just being absent minded. I did this to myself...we only do what we really want to....

Someday You WIll Be Loved

Rejected. I just lost a great job. I'm stuck between needing to go home and needing a job. Last year I managed to pull i tout. I managed to keep myself and my life together. I got the job I thought I wanted, the life I thought I would love. Instead this year has been terrible at turn after turn.. My grades...my weight....my money...my life. I can only pray that someday will change this. Someday I'll be different. Someday I will be loved.....At least I hope so.

Here Is Gone

I felt the beginnings of a panic attack today. I was taking an exam and I thought, for once, that I finally know the material...and then I turned the page...I just failed the first one and I could afford to do the same today, but it happened again. I spoke to my parents tonight and I almost begged to come home. I feel like I'm losing it - losing everything. My grades, my body, my mind.....2009 seems is shaping up to be just the same as before...losing everything I thought I could be. Maybe I only think I'm losing myself. Maybe I was never really real at all.

I just made you up to hurt myself.

Celebrity Skin

I have the same bathing suit. Its exactly the same...right down to the little embroidery on the hip. But mine doesn't fit and I don't think it ever willl. I want to be thin, thinner, the thinnest...I need it so bad. I hate myself in this body, but I just can't seem to stop or change, the good days are over, the shit days are back.

Champagne From a Paper Cup

PARTY!!!! That was my last night.....all night and not by choice. I'm one of the heads of a club and it was the first party since an attack on campus so we were on high alert. the downside, on of many, was that most my friends, also club heads, were drunk for no reason. Lovely. Yesterday felt so of kilter after two days of inner bliss. Whatever confidence I had about my life turning a positive corner were in doubt. It seems as though even the weather has turned on me...Maybe the past few days were all an illusion and today is real again. Its just like champagne from a paper cup or eating caviar on Ritz crackers....two things that just don't belong, giving the illusion of greatness with the reality of life.

Different Names For the Same Thing

This was the second glorious day I've had in a row and I love it. I can't believe my life right now. It was actually raining and gloomy and I still enjoyed my life; the only problem is that I have this sinking feeling, like the other shoe is just waiting to drop on me. My weight is gogin down, I feel like I'm doing my work on time and well. I feel like its all just going to slip away. It's like my happiness is just that same as being delusional.

like looking in the mirror - everything is backwards and turned around....

Vindicated

Another great day. I'm not stressed for once. For the first time in a long great while, I feel fine. Despite living on absolutely no sleep I had an incredible day, well at least from my perspective, It was warm and bright I had my work together and done. I'm loving my life right now.

I can only imagine how long this can last. I wish i could bottle this time and open it up when I'm having a bad day. Like instant sunshine.

Your're all I need......

Time to Pretend

Today felt a little better. I'm up doing work and waiting for my hair to dry. I feel a little less depressed than I have the last few days, but it seems like everyone and everything is trying to take that away from me. Just got a really bs e-mail, but I'm just not going to think about it right now. Forget them. I've got bigger and better, or rather thinner and prettier things to worry about.

I've lost a bit, not much, but its less that I was yester day and the day before. I wore a new outfit and got a ton of compliments. Today it was for my clothes, next time I want it to be for how they hang off me.

An Olive Grove Facing the Sea

Another day.....another dollar. Or in my case another pound. I didn't gain but I don't think I lost either. I'm under so much pressure right now. I feel like I'm at a show and I'm the main event. The center circle of a three ring circus. I'm so tired of it all.


Why is the world hanging on my every thought and deed? Why is what I do so hugely important. Can't someone else take the wheel for once. I feel like screaming - "WHAT' SO WRONG WITH YOU DOING IT! I DON'T/CAN'T CARE ANYMORE." I;ve got my own problems, but for some reason I've saddled myself with more.


This semester is starting the big wind up before its starts winding down. I just need to to get through a bit more and a home free.

Miles to go before I sleep.....miles to go before I sleep.....

Nothing In My Way

I've been pushing myself through this sort of haze lately, trying to move along. This next month will seemingly be hell on earth from the absolute get go. I will have no peace in any realm of my life, which is just painful.

I've been really focused on my weight the past few days. Its not like it every really goes away but its been really prevalent; I've been super focused on thin girls and what they're eating and if they're eating. I've been watching people at the gym. The worst part is what's going on in my head. It as if I can hear this other voice that isn't me screaming at me to eat or not eat calling me a fat whore and everything else I can think of. I fell like I'm going a little crazy.

My class on eating disorders is not helping in anyway. We're reading about the failure of diets and why people constantly go back and forth. It reads like I'm reading my own mind. I don't have the strength.

hurt

I feel like scum. I've felt really low the past few days and I don't really know why....either that or I'm not really willing to face what's been making me feel this way. I've also been having these weird intense headaches which aren't helping. I went to the gym today despite all that though.


Something which did not contribute to my mood was my work load this week. I worked an extra shift pretty much every day this week to make up for Spring Break. I also had a shit ton of class work and events to work this week. Not good. Not good at all.

I tried on some clothes today while killing time. I've come to the renewed realization that I hate myself, most especially my body. It feels as though it and everything else hate me right back. I at four slices of bread with jam and two cups of tea. 687 calories. bread and water = 700 calories. I can't........

Stop & Stare

Day 3. I say day three because a friend of mine, who is rather thin herself, told me that she does this self training trick with the gym. You have to go for 21 days straight and then have two weeks of four days on and four days off. Considering that most peolple suspect she's riddled with ED I'm pretty sure is works.

That's sad isn't it. I'm taking advice from a nearly certifiable eating disorder case in order to loose weight. I don't understand myself sometimes...and then I look in the mirror - which I stared into for a long time tonight. Sadly I think my thighs are hypnotic and not in a great way.

Summer Skin

Second day back at my gym routine and I find myself considering weight watchers. Sad isn't it. MY mother started on it she now weighs less.....LESS than I currently do. What is wrong with me? I need to get myself together as of now. I've let my life go to absolute shite (typo but keeping it) in every way. NOt only has my body gone out of wack but so has my social life and any academic skills I had have abandoned me. I hope this upcoming summer will give me enough time and distance to actually pull it all back together.

Not Now, But Soon

Today was the first day that I've been to the gym in a very long while. I didn't go as hard as I usually do, but I needed to work myself up to it. I need to get rid of this weight and hopefully I can do it soon. Wish me luck.....

Debate Exposes Doubt

A hot mess. This is the only way that I can describe my life and my weight right about now. I need to take a break from everything and everyone...Spring Break to be more precise. I wish there were a magic cure for being everything...being lonely, tired depressed...fat! I wish. Oh well....ttfn.

The Iron Sea

I haven't wanted to post since my lunch with a friend because I spent the next two days binging...on everything and anything unlucky enough to cross my path. I'm really annoyed at myself because this always seems to happen. I'll get complacent and just let myself go for whatever reason right as I'm starting to make progress. I can't do that any more. I just need to concentrate.