An Olive Grove Facing the Sea

Another day.....another dollar. Or in my case another pound. I didn't gain but I don't think I lost either. I'm under so much pressure right now. I feel like I'm at a show and I'm the main event. The center circle of a three ring circus. I'm so tired of it all.


Why is the world hanging on my every thought and deed? Why is what I do so hugely important. Can't someone else take the wheel for once. I feel like screaming - "WHAT' SO WRONG WITH YOU DOING IT! I DON'T/CAN'T CARE ANYMORE." I;ve got my own problems, but for some reason I've saddled myself with more.


This semester is starting the big wind up before its starts winding down. I just need to to get through a bit more and a home free.

Miles to go before I sleep.....miles to go before I sleep.....

Nothing In My Way

I've been pushing myself through this sort of haze lately, trying to move along. This next month will seemingly be hell on earth from the absolute get go. I will have no peace in any realm of my life, which is just painful.

I've been really focused on my weight the past few days. Its not like it every really goes away but its been really prevalent; I've been super focused on thin girls and what they're eating and if they're eating. I've been watching people at the gym. The worst part is what's going on in my head. It as if I can hear this other voice that isn't me screaming at me to eat or not eat calling me a fat whore and everything else I can think of. I fell like I'm going a little crazy.

My class on eating disorders is not helping in anyway. We're reading about the failure of diets and why people constantly go back and forth. It reads like I'm reading my own mind. I don't have the strength.

hurt

I feel like scum. I've felt really low the past few days and I don't really know why....either that or I'm not really willing to face what's been making me feel this way. I've also been having these weird intense headaches which aren't helping. I went to the gym today despite all that though.


Something which did not contribute to my mood was my work load this week. I worked an extra shift pretty much every day this week to make up for Spring Break. I also had a shit ton of class work and events to work this week. Not good. Not good at all.

I tried on some clothes today while killing time. I've come to the renewed realization that I hate myself, most especially my body. It feels as though it and everything else hate me right back. I at four slices of bread with jam and two cups of tea. 687 calories. bread and water = 700 calories. I can't........

Stop & Stare

Day 3. I say day three because a friend of mine, who is rather thin herself, told me that she does this self training trick with the gym. You have to go for 21 days straight and then have two weeks of four days on and four days off. Considering that most peolple suspect she's riddled with ED I'm pretty sure is works.

That's sad isn't it. I'm taking advice from a nearly certifiable eating disorder case in order to loose weight. I don't understand myself sometimes...and then I look in the mirror - which I stared into for a long time tonight. Sadly I think my thighs are hypnotic and not in a great way.

Summer Skin

Second day back at my gym routine and I find myself considering weight watchers. Sad isn't it. MY mother started on it she now weighs less.....LESS than I currently do. What is wrong with me? I need to get myself together as of now. I've let my life go to absolute shite (typo but keeping it) in every way. NOt only has my body gone out of wack but so has my social life and any academic skills I had have abandoned me. I hope this upcoming summer will give me enough time and distance to actually pull it all back together.

Not Now, But Soon

Today was the first day that I've been to the gym in a very long while. I didn't go as hard as I usually do, but I needed to work myself up to it. I need to get rid of this weight and hopefully I can do it soon. Wish me luck.....

Debate Exposes Doubt

A hot mess. This is the only way that I can describe my life and my weight right about now. I need to take a break from everything and everyone...Spring Break to be more precise. I wish there were a magic cure for being everything...being lonely, tired depressed...fat! I wish. Oh well....ttfn.