She Will Be Loved

I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner n the pouring rain

Despite all the things that have happened to me this semester, all the things that have been taken from me I woke exhilaratingly happy. All the pain and anger I've felt in the past few weeks has melted away on its own. Every time I said I was stronger than this place or these people must have finally gotten through to the me on the inside. I'm done with most of my classes and with any luck, I'll have the final stretch done soon. Then home again....then back to the BIG APPLE.

Sidenote: all this finals and college stress has given me no chance to really east much. Though I haven't been to the gym in WEEKS i lost 2.5 pounds. Hello finals diet. Hello jeans I haven't worn in a year. Thinner and thinner still. Gotta love it.


Loving my life again despite you bitches!!!!

Me & Mr. Jones

What kind of fuckery is this?

This year....it was the best of times...it was the worst of times. Honestly, I don't know what to do about school anymore. Any time I'm not here, I'm having the best time, living my best life and the second I set foot on this campus it implodes. I've cracked it - its this place. This unholy, soul sucking place and most of the people populating it. I've decided that this place and all these people aren't real things. Just something I made up to hurt myself in any number of ways. At least I;m not miserable this Spring. Last year I was 10 steps from killing myself, probably literally and now, despite this places' best efforts I'm in love with my life. I can attribute any all issues with stress and pain and whatever else to this place. Whenever I'm not here, even when I'm working like a real adult job in an office (read cubicle) for 8 or 9 hours a day I feel great and exhilarated, even on the days when I fall asleep at my desk.


Next up: Senior Year!! Good Riddance to bad rubbish....

Note: I have solidly maintained my weight this year, an absolute 1st for my college career. I'm considering becoming a vegetarian for morally and weight reasons. I kind of don't like the meat industry in American and after years of immunity to those PETA vids (I could watch one while eating a meal from KFC. I know...I'm stone cold) I think about sad chickens and other sad poultry ( I already nixed pork and beef). Plus, there aren't fat vegetarians...well at least the ones that stay off the white pasta and cakes.

Wish me luck and more regular posts this summer.

XOXO

Winter

She Wolf

This has been an up and down kind of week/month(/life, if we're going to be real about it). I got a terrible grade on a midterm and then got a great grade back on a paper. I have 3 more papers due in the next week. I have started on none. That hurts my soul...just a little.

I also managed to loose two pounds in the last two weeks. I am now below the weight I was before I started gaining. If I can keep this up, I'll be my ideal weight in no time.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving though...I need the time away from this place. School has in now way pulled me into the downward spiral which it did last year and quiet frankly I wouldn't let it. I would kill to keep that kind of darkness away. Right now I have my body (not all of it, but getting close), I have my mind (my grades have been pretty good, for now), my heart (I
m breaking up with Mr. Man, of my own choice and it actually doesn't hurt). I have so much right now, so much that I would kill to keep. I just need to keep it up and if I'm lucky I can get myself even more. Like a wolf stalking its prey....

There, There

What am I to do?

I feel as though I have been walking in a fog. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. There is something so strange about that feeling and I don't seem to be able to nail everything down.

Mr. Man.....what I complex subject. His mother doesn't like me and has made that abundantly clear...through the phone, even. After that, I sort of reevaluated my feelings and I want him gone and I want him so badly at the same time. I don't understand what's going on with it but I can feel as though I want out. I'd rather be alone that deal with this.

He called on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored him....He then jilted me for the past two nights. What's a sad, silly little girl to do.


School...oh school. I'm convinced that my little New England school is evil and all around bad for you. It makes you fat (I've gained 2.6 pounds over that last two weeks, while busting my ass at the gym nearly everyday), self loathing and depressed - and those are the good days. I've been trudging along and doing pretty well at it, until this week. Midterms reared their ugly head and have taken a chuck out of the brand new academic life I wanted for myself this year.

All I can do is keep my head up, look forward and walk into the light.

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down...

This week hasn't really been bad at all. It hasn't been extraordinary, but it has been something. Classes have started and I actually got into all them despite 3 out of four being in extremely high demand. I;ve extricated myself from a few toxic relationship and managed to make some new ones. Other than a slight mixup at work, I've been relatively good with all my jobs.

Down to a 6.Gyming it up on a daily and still eating well. Fingers Crossed.

Mr. Man is back and for now. I think that's a very good thing.
I could use someone....



just like him.

Lie Through Your Teeth

Up and down.

My life feels like a constant roller coaster ride, filled with these amazing highs and tumultuous lows. I keep trying to eat healthy and stay on top of my diet, but its so hard when I'm not cooking my own meals and I have planned meetings and traing with food and no means of escape.

Stuck with those people again... Some of them are great and some are just nightmares to be around. What kills me is that it still hurts when even they don't want to be around me. Some people do care, but you know how that goes - for every one that does your mind will find 10 more that would leave you to die.

Mr. Man has unilaterally decided to discontinue our relationship, whatever it was or may have become. Its over now.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

The (After) Life of the Party

Surrounded.

On all sides and by all obstacles. School never fails to disappoint. I've been here for four days and my great summer moral is nearly completely shot. Our director, who normally I love, has been completely weird with me and I don't know why. We're in our training phase and I hope its either a)I'm no longer directly on her staff, or b) she's stressed out. But you know me, any excuse to think I've done something wrong and deserve to be treated like shit. Also, she fat and one of those people that belives the world is sizist, ie its not my fault so I can stuff my face. Again I love her, but she lives in total denile. She also supervised the food shopping. Can you say litterally, and I mean literally 3 full car loads of just left overs that we moved today. Fat me, part duex in 3..2..

My birthday was yesterday and I couldn't be with anyone who really cared about me.

Even I forgot for a while.

I feel so empty here.

I feel so alone.

At training I'm put into this forced awkward group situation where I feel as though no one wants me around. I'm not what anyone wants or expects. I'm the zeppo. No one knows or cares to know. But I'm forced to stay and watch myself be excluded. The worst part is the very unfortunate catch 22 that is created: If you stay you're left totally alone in a room full of people and if you leave they get to blame their lack of interaction on you being aloof.

Note: Mr. Man has forgotten I exist.

I miss my mother. I miss church. I miss my friends.

Now I'm left signing songs that only catch the ears of the desperate.

Welcome Back.

Don't Worry Baby

Does the scale lie? Work like a rear view mirror? Fat girl on scale may be larger than she appears.
The scales says 17 pounds down, but how accurate is that?

Back at school early tomorrow...will anyone notice? Last year it was all kudos. "Wow. You look so thin!" Will that every happen again?

On to happier times. Since today was my last day at home, I was hoping to see Mr. Man and luckily I ran into him as he was getting off work. I didn't get as close to him as I did on Monday, but it at least alleviated any thoughts that he had had his fun and now was done. He seemed bummed that I was leaving ad wants me to call and maintain the standard facebook communication with him while I'm out of town.

So much to think about, so much to want, so much to worry.

For You I Will (Confidence)

I saw him again today, and there was this one awkward moment while riding in his car, but for the most part it was absolutely lovely. He took me to him favorite organic supermarket downtown. We showed each other our favorite foods, - vegetables, snacks, teas. We even talked about what kinds of whole wheat flours we like to use.

I wanted to kiss him so badly, but..there are so many buts. But he just got out of a relationship. But I'm going back to school - in two days. But I don't think I'm his type. My friends like to think that he likes me and I think he was trying to get me to go out with him tonight. It would be just my luck that he likes them tall and skinny and blonde.

I wanted to kiss him so many times today but nothing seemed to fit. And no I'm not in that cute guy induced haze. He's smart, but he's not in school any more. He walked away from MIT and now refuses to even go to our local tech school. He's nice and sweet, but we don't have the same beliefs, which to me at least are very important.

Now that I've wasted this post on McHottie...onto my weight. My measurements have certainly shrunken along with the descending numbers on the scale. My mother, of all people told me that I looked thinner....in light colored jeans to boot (those things make your ass look like Mt. Rushmore). I'm more than half way to my goal...12 more pounds to go.

Living is Simple

Counting down the days...and right now living is simple and living is easy, at least for right now. I'm really not feeling anything except the the warm summer breeze and the urge to lay out. I have been so much more positive over the past few months, and I've been told that its disarming. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I certainly don't care. I feel good - great actually. The same is true from my appearance. Sweet 16...right on the scale. It may not be much for you, but for me it the start of something more beautiful and new.

Sidenote: I have finally met a man who intrigues me. Funny, intelligent (MIT), and attractive. Plus he's a smart-ass, just the way I like them. I could wish for something more, but the grind of school recommences in exactly one week. If only in my mind....

Orbiting

Another splendid day. I can only hope that this streak can continue. Whenever I have a random string of good days, it's only a matter of time until they're over, replaced by the relative regularity of depression and emptiness. I don't know if I can trust what feel right now, but it's hard not to go with a good feeling.

Something else that scares me - ed. I've been trying very hard to loose this weight in a healthy way, and I actually have been, but everyday I hear this voice in my head that says "You're not thin enough yet! You're not loosing enough, fast enough! Starve!". Every time I diet, I go beyond that and end up doing more harm than good. I've ever talk about it, but I pushed to try and recover this past winter and for the most part I did, but still struggle with being a healthy weight. I'll always want to loose more, even when I'm a perfectly healthy weight.

I think that voice will be there for a very long time, but for now I've been keeping it at bay...I feel a sense of change orbiting my life....

Little Pieces

Do hearts and souls come with return policies. It feels as though the answer to that question today is yes. I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks and, for now at least, I've been feeling fine...better than fine. Other than a few slight irritations, this week has been mostly positive. Had some laughs with a few old friends and for a while it felt just like old times again. My mother's been keeping herself busy and mostly out of my way. Anytime that we do interact, its been positive and mostly fun for us both.

In terms of weight - my ass has begun its retreat. I've been managing my weight pretty effectively and I've lost some weight, but no where near what I would like...but it's one little piece at a time. I was wrong before; coming home has given me a measure of piece, and something else. More and more pieces of myself seem to come back...

It's like I get to tell the world, no matter what, there's a little piece of me you can't have.

Stop & Stare II

I thought coming homw would be just what I needed..and like everything else it proved to be just in oasis in a desert full of emptiess and lies (oh God, I sound like some pathetic Twilight obsessed teenager, don't I). My mother, who is obsessed with body image and weight has constantly talked about how noticeable my weight gain is...to anyone that will listen. She said so, in front of my best friend, who I haven't seen in ages. He was at least polite, nice, and tactful enough to move on very quickly, but then again he has his own problems right now. I also had a very strange deja vu involving my old high school and my ex's little brother, who looks just like him. It almost felt like the 2 years that have gone by in the interum were never there and then I looked down. Everything aout me is different, my hair is crapy and short now, I feel stupid and fat and the world has done everything to make that very clear to me.

I have this notion that my life has certain running themes. One of them is the idea that the while the world moves on, changes, and grows...I don't. All I can do is watch. It's happened nearly my whole life. Small things change, but not much. Sometimes I wonder....does everyone see what I see?

The Iron Sea

I haven't wanted to post since my lunch with a friend because I spent the next two days binging...on everything and anything unlucky enough to cross my path. I'm really annoyed at myself because this always seems to happen. I'll get complacent and just let myself go for whatever reason right as I'm starting to make progress. I can't do that any more. I just need to concentrate.

Readymade

I lost half a pound when i weighed myself thins morning but I don't think that it'll last. I had a burrito lunch complete with chips and salsa. I kept trying to drink more than eat and through half of the burrito away, but I had a craving earlier and went straight for a snack. Apparently I'm willing to let a snake control me. I'm better than that. I have to be if I want to be thinner. Wish me luck....

Love Like Winter

I've been on a fast for the past three days and I've lost so much weight. I hope its not all water weight because I have been drinking water and trying to stay hydrated. Today I woke up almost three pounds lighter. Three whole pounds! I'm excited and I want to keep this up especially when I go back to school.

Hot N' Cold

I love fasting. I've lost two pounds since Sunday, which is wonderful considering my notoriously slow metabolism. A friend of mine wants to go out to lunch on Thursday which means I have to break my fast starting today. Below is a taste of some of my favorite thinspo. There will be more later.

Like A Stone

I must be the only person ever to spontaneously generate weight. I'm fasting this week until Thursday and yesterday was the first. I managed to go up to 142 last night while dining on nothing but water. I did go down this morning but those kinds of things freak me out. I need to go back to school; I miss the gym.