Empire State of Mind

Haven't been posting due to my internship in glorious NYC!!!!!
Back for the 2nd time at my social work gig, but it's not a bad thing at all. So what if I'm working with teen-aged delinquents, in a closet that I share with 3 others, and live in another unventelated closet on an air shaft. It's New York City and that alone is amazing.

In other news - I'm fat. Not as fat as I used to be, but fatter than when school ended. Isn't all this walking supposed to help shed the pounds...Let's try for a better tomorrow.....

The (After) Life of the Party

Surrounded.

On all sides and by all obstacles. School never fails to disappoint. I've been here for four days and my great summer moral is nearly completely shot. Our director, who normally I love, has been completely weird with me and I don't know why. We're in our training phase and I hope its either a)I'm no longer directly on her staff, or b) she's stressed out. But you know me, any excuse to think I've done something wrong and deserve to be treated like shit. Also, she fat and one of those people that belives the world is sizist, ie its not my fault so I can stuff my face. Again I love her, but she lives in total denile. She also supervised the food shopping. Can you say litterally, and I mean literally 3 full car loads of just left overs that we moved today. Fat me, part duex in 3..2..

My birthday was yesterday and I couldn't be with anyone who really cared about me.

Even I forgot for a while.

I feel so empty here.

I feel so alone.

At training I'm put into this forced awkward group situation where I feel as though no one wants me around. I'm not what anyone wants or expects. I'm the zeppo. No one knows or cares to know. But I'm forced to stay and watch myself be excluded. The worst part is the very unfortunate catch 22 that is created: If you stay you're left totally alone in a room full of people and if you leave they get to blame their lack of interaction on you being aloof.

Note: Mr. Man has forgotten I exist.

I miss my mother. I miss church. I miss my friends.

Now I'm left signing songs that only catch the ears of the desperate.

Welcome Back.

We're So Starving

Weight Watchers - up and down. I feel like I'm losing some and gaining some. There's now real way for me to tell. This is a bit of digression, but its my blog and I'll babble if I want to. Last year, while I was dabbling in my second encounter with ana, I had a wonderful scale that measure to the tenth of pound. I purchased it when I first began flirting with her during my freshman year, but alas it was left behind during this year's christmass break and an inferior replacement was purchased.

And thus, I don't know where I stand. I feel as though I have lost some wieght, but I don't at the same time. It's actually quite nerve racking. These feelings have only been reinforced by my own mother and her constant need to let me know how fat I am. (I don't think she relizes that despite the fact that she lost weight - she still looks fat. If you're my height 130 looks fat, and she's shorter with the same body type....so you draw that picture for yourself.)

I'm only really going to the meetings for her though. I've gotten to the point were I don't really care about anything anymore. My life isn't for me anyway, so why worry about it.
Side note - jobless; this economy....well you know already.....