Red

We don't know how you're spending all of your days when love isn't here.

I can't wait to leave this place. School has finally broken the very last straw. If I could leave tomorrow and start my life afresh somewhere new, I would be on the first plane out. I found myself looking for jobs yesterday and I'm not even done with my degree yet. I hold no stock in the notion that everything will be perfect in this new place. More likely than not it will open the door to some fresh hell, but it will be somewhere else, some place else with new people and things to loathe.

My time on the outside is over...

Like the Sea

First it takes you high, then it takes you under

I just hated today. It was almost as if last year had returned to rear its ugly head. I don't like that feeling, as if the darkness could just reach up and take me over. I refuse to feel like that ever again. This year needs to end...NOW. I was so high first semester and now its trying to beat me low....almost as low as I was before. I will NEVER feel like that again. No matter what happens.

Sidenote: Feeling sick again. I haven't felt well at this semester and its most likely something in my intestines, probably my appendix or spleen since its coming from those areas. I have a doctors appointment for when I get back home. My mom's worried, but at this point I can't even do that. Serious or not, it is what it is. I have go to live the life that I have got.

Additional note: One of my friends is a damn fool if he thinks I'm gonna hook up with him. Ever. He can put that out his mind now, the ho.

There, There

What am I to do?

I feel as though I have been walking in a fog. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. There is something so strange about that feeling and I don't seem to be able to nail everything down.

Mr. Man.....what I complex subject. His mother doesn't like me and has made that abundantly clear...through the phone, even. After that, I sort of reevaluated my feelings and I want him gone and I want him so badly at the same time. I don't understand what's going on with it but I can feel as though I want out. I'd rather be alone that deal with this.

He called on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored him....He then jilted me for the past two nights. What's a sad, silly little girl to do.


School...oh school. I'm convinced that my little New England school is evil and all around bad for you. It makes you fat (I've gained 2.6 pounds over that last two weeks, while busting my ass at the gym nearly everyday), self loathing and depressed - and those are the good days. I've been trudging along and doing pretty well at it, until this week. Midterms reared their ugly head and have taken a chuck out of the brand new academic life I wanted for myself this year.

All I can do is keep my head up, look forward and walk into the light.

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Lie Through Your Teeth

Up and down.

My life feels like a constant roller coaster ride, filled with these amazing highs and tumultuous lows. I keep trying to eat healthy and stay on top of my diet, but its so hard when I'm not cooking my own meals and I have planned meetings and traing with food and no means of escape.

Stuck with those people again... Some of them are great and some are just nightmares to be around. What kills me is that it still hurts when even they don't want to be around me. Some people do care, but you know how that goes - for every one that does your mind will find 10 more that would leave you to die.

Mr. Man has unilaterally decided to discontinue our relationship, whatever it was or may have become. Its over now.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

Don't Worry Baby

Does the scale lie? Work like a rear view mirror? Fat girl on scale may be larger than she appears.
The scales says 17 pounds down, but how accurate is that?

Back at school early tomorrow...will anyone notice? Last year it was all kudos. "Wow. You look so thin!" Will that every happen again?

On to happier times. Since today was my last day at home, I was hoping to see Mr. Man and luckily I ran into him as he was getting off work. I didn't get as close to him as I did on Monday, but it at least alleviated any thoughts that he had had his fun and now was done. He seemed bummed that I was leaving ad wants me to call and maintain the standard facebook communication with him while I'm out of town.

So much to think about, so much to want, so much to worry.

We're So Starving

Weight Watchers - up and down. I feel like I'm losing some and gaining some. There's now real way for me to tell. This is a bit of digression, but its my blog and I'll babble if I want to. Last year, while I was dabbling in my second encounter with ana, I had a wonderful scale that measure to the tenth of pound. I purchased it when I first began flirting with her during my freshman year, but alas it was left behind during this year's christmass break and an inferior replacement was purchased.

And thus, I don't know where I stand. I feel as though I have lost some wieght, but I don't at the same time. It's actually quite nerve racking. These feelings have only been reinforced by my own mother and her constant need to let me know how fat I am. (I don't think she relizes that despite the fact that she lost weight - she still looks fat. If you're my height 130 looks fat, and she's shorter with the same body type....so you draw that picture for yourself.)

I'm only really going to the meetings for her though. I've gotten to the point were I don't really care about anything anymore. My life isn't for me anyway, so why worry about it.
Side note - jobless; this economy....well you know already.....

The Sound of Settliing

Why did I think that a change of scenery would change my life. I mut have forgotten that this year was the year of losses, a year on a metaphorical skid row. The worst part about it is that I hate people who complain avout that sort of thing and I really feel as though I did try. I tried so hard to keep my head above water in all the things that turned on me, but there is only so much that you can do, only so much that you can control.

that's what I've thought about today. All the things that bother me and all the things I've lost. Its not the first time and I doubt that it will be the last. I still think its because I was never really meant to live a life. I don't mean to say that my life, my existence is a mistake, just that the life I wanted is not what I'm supposed to have. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was special like a princess or a something and that the world was the way that it was so that I wouldn't suspect it; that all the people I saw and spoke to were actors or robots sent to move my life story along. Now I realize that I was right, that there are robots and certain special people, I was only wrong about which side I was on...

I just joined weight watchers last weekend, to make my mother happy even though I know -