She Wolf

This has been an up and down kind of week/month(/life, if we're going to be real about it). I got a terrible grade on a midterm and then got a great grade back on a paper. I have 3 more papers due in the next week. I have started on none. That hurts my soul...just a little.

I also managed to loose two pounds in the last two weeks. I am now below the weight I was before I started gaining. If I can keep this up, I'll be my ideal weight in no time.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving though...I need the time away from this place. School has in now way pulled me into the downward spiral which it did last year and quiet frankly I wouldn't let it. I would kill to keep that kind of darkness away. Right now I have my body (not all of it, but getting close), I have my mind (my grades have been pretty good, for now), my heart (I
m breaking up with Mr. Man, of my own choice and it actually doesn't hurt). I have so much right now, so much that I would kill to keep. I just need to keep it up and if I'm lucky I can get myself even more. Like a wolf stalking its prey....

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down...

This week hasn't really been bad at all. It hasn't been extraordinary, but it has been something. Classes have started and I actually got into all them despite 3 out of four being in extremely high demand. I;ve extricated myself from a few toxic relationship and managed to make some new ones. Other than a slight mixup at work, I've been relatively good with all my jobs.

Down to a 6.Gyming it up on a daily and still eating well. Fingers Crossed.

Mr. Man is back and for now. I think that's a very good thing.
I could use someone....



just like him.

Lie Through Your Teeth

Up and down.

My life feels like a constant roller coaster ride, filled with these amazing highs and tumultuous lows. I keep trying to eat healthy and stay on top of my diet, but its so hard when I'm not cooking my own meals and I have planned meetings and traing with food and no means of escape.

Stuck with those people again... Some of them are great and some are just nightmares to be around. What kills me is that it still hurts when even they don't want to be around me. Some people do care, but you know how that goes - for every one that does your mind will find 10 more that would leave you to die.

Mr. Man has unilaterally decided to discontinue our relationship, whatever it was or may have become. Its over now.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

Living is Simple

Counting down the days...and right now living is simple and living is easy, at least for right now. I'm really not feeling anything except the the warm summer breeze and the urge to lay out. I have been so much more positive over the past few months, and I've been told that its disarming. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I certainly don't care. I feel good - great actually. The same is true from my appearance. Sweet 16...right on the scale. It may not be much for you, but for me it the start of something more beautiful and new.

Sidenote: I have finally met a man who intrigues me. Funny, intelligent (MIT), and attractive. Plus he's a smart-ass, just the way I like them. I could wish for something more, but the grind of school recommences in exactly one week. If only in my mind....

Paranoid

Why are you so paranoid?

In 15 days I'll be back in my college town. I have weeks of meetings, interviews, training, and work followed by the official start of the semester. I have a new found sense of hope and belief this summer, which is part of the reason behind my nonexistent posting over the summer. I am full of energy and life, but that is just as it was last year. That's were the fear and the edge of trepidation comes from.

My hope and faith however has allowed me to see that there is a difference, all be it small. That past hope, those dreams of better days were tinged with a sorrow and hopelessness that at the time I had pushed to the side. I believed that last year was the height of ideal and the pinnacle of my struggle against my bursting waistline.

So far I'm down almost 15, yes one - five, pounds and will continue to go that way until I reach my goal. Twelve more!

Closer

Everyday I get a little closer, dear -
I don't feel thinner, but everyone, including the scale says I am. TEN! Hopefully that will be more on by this Saturday. I have five more weeks until I'm back at the salt mines - ah the glorious grasp of private New England college. Painfully thin girls, athletically trim boys, and the snowy winters to die for.....

Here's a bit my thinspo collection to make up for my recent absence

Orbiting

Another splendid day. I can only hope that this streak can continue. Whenever I have a random string of good days, it's only a matter of time until they're over, replaced by the relative regularity of depression and emptiness. I don't know if I can trust what feel right now, but it's hard not to go with a good feeling.

Something else that scares me - ed. I've been trying very hard to loose this weight in a healthy way, and I actually have been, but everyday I hear this voice in my head that says "You're not thin enough yet! You're not loosing enough, fast enough! Starve!". Every time I diet, I go beyond that and end up doing more harm than good. I've ever talk about it, but I pushed to try and recover this past winter and for the most part I did, but still struggle with being a healthy weight. I'll always want to loose more, even when I'm a perfectly healthy weight.

I think that voice will be there for a very long time, but for now I've been keeping it at bay...I feel a sense of change orbiting my life....

Little Pieces

Do hearts and souls come with return policies. It feels as though the answer to that question today is yes. I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks and, for now at least, I've been feeling fine...better than fine. Other than a few slight irritations, this week has been mostly positive. Had some laughs with a few old friends and for a while it felt just like old times again. My mother's been keeping herself busy and mostly out of my way. Anytime that we do interact, its been positive and mostly fun for us both.

In terms of weight - my ass has begun its retreat. I've been managing my weight pretty effectively and I've lost some weight, but no where near what I would like...but it's one little piece at a time. I was wrong before; coming home has given me a measure of piece, and something else. More and more pieces of myself seem to come back...

It's like I get to tell the world, no matter what, there's a little piece of me you can't have.

Stop & Stare II

I thought coming homw would be just what I needed..and like everything else it proved to be just in oasis in a desert full of emptiess and lies (oh God, I sound like some pathetic Twilight obsessed teenager, don't I). My mother, who is obsessed with body image and weight has constantly talked about how noticeable my weight gain is...to anyone that will listen. She said so, in front of my best friend, who I haven't seen in ages. He was at least polite, nice, and tactful enough to move on very quickly, but then again he has his own problems right now. I also had a very strange deja vu involving my old high school and my ex's little brother, who looks just like him. It almost felt like the 2 years that have gone by in the interum were never there and then I looked down. Everything aout me is different, my hair is crapy and short now, I feel stupid and fat and the world has done everything to make that very clear to me.

I have this notion that my life has certain running themes. One of them is the idea that the while the world moves on, changes, and grows...I don't. All I can do is watch. It's happened nearly my whole life. Small things change, but not much. Sometimes I wonder....does everyone see what I see?

Fluorescent Adolescent

This past month has been hectic and hard. Finals, moving, working all in quick succession. I did manage to pull my myself out of my academic nosedive with a last minute flourish and, at least for now, I'll still still be okay going into thesis writing. I've been going to the gym lately, too, but not as hard as I used to. This summer may just be the time that I need to pull myself together. Even though I've been feeling a bit depressed, its nothing like they way I'd felt earlier this year. Now, when I think about the summer and going how I think about how good it will feel and I start to glow from the inside. I feel like I could light up the room if I wanted - and now I'm finally happy enough to try.

Better In Time

Millions of little pastel pills. I wish I could surround myself with one that took care of each of my problems. A pill to fix my grades, a pill to drop my weight, a pill to fix my life, and a pill to take it away. I felt supremely lonely today, even in large rooms filled with people. Isolated. Alone. At least ana was my friend and I had her to hug my lovely bones. Without her, it seems, I have no one and nothing left.

The Iron Sea

I haven't wanted to post since my lunch with a friend because I spent the next two days binging...on everything and anything unlucky enough to cross my path. I'm really annoyed at myself because this always seems to happen. I'll get complacent and just let myself go for whatever reason right as I'm starting to make progress. I can't do that any more. I just need to concentrate.

Readymade

I lost half a pound when i weighed myself thins morning but I don't think that it'll last. I had a burrito lunch complete with chips and salsa. I kept trying to drink more than eat and through half of the burrito away, but I had a craving earlier and went straight for a snack. Apparently I'm willing to let a snake control me. I'm better than that. I have to be if I want to be thinner. Wish me luck....

Love Like Winter

I've been on a fast for the past three days and I've lost so much weight. I hope its not all water weight because I have been drinking water and trying to stay hydrated. Today I woke up almost three pounds lighter. Three whole pounds! I'm excited and I want to keep this up especially when I go back to school.

Hot N' Cold

I love fasting. I've lost two pounds since Sunday, which is wonderful considering my notoriously slow metabolism. A friend of mine wants to go out to lunch on Thursday which means I have to break my fast starting today. Below is a taste of some of my favorite thinspo. There will be more later.

Like A Stone

I must be the only person ever to spontaneously generate weight. I'm fasting this week until Thursday and yesterday was the first. I managed to go up to 142 last night while dining on nothing but water. I did go down this morning but those kinds of things freak me out. I need to go back to school; I miss the gym.

Make This Go On Forever

I've eaten today...it's not a total failure because I only had one bowl of Special K, but I would have preferred to fast. I know myself, and I feel like I will binge tonight and that upsets me. I've been trying to distract myself with day time television, but we all know how that can be: every commercial is about food or weight or working out. I I'll be glad to go back to school it will be a welcomed distraction from food. I'll be posting a full set of my favorite thinspo soon...

This is the New Year

HW:155
CW: 141
LW:115
GW1:138
GW2:135
GW3:133
GW4:130
GW5:128
GW6:125
GW7:123
GW8:120
GW9:118
GW10:116
UGW:115

This is the new year and I don't feel any different... I've lost one pound from yesterday but that's obviously water weight or something. I want this year to be better than last year and I mean that all around. 2008 was not the best of years and all of the big event countdowns last night were filled with bad news, scandals and wars. Sad times...but when I think about how big my ass is I feel sadder.