Your Love Is My Drug

Home, home, home again!

She Will Be Loved

I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner n the pouring rain

Despite all the things that have happened to me this semester, all the things that have been taken from me I woke exhilaratingly happy. All the pain and anger I've felt in the past few weeks has melted away on its own. Every time I said I was stronger than this place or these people must have finally gotten through to the me on the inside. I'm done with most of my classes and with any luck, I'll have the final stretch done soon. Then home again....then back to the BIG APPLE.

Sidenote: all this finals and college stress has given me no chance to really east much. Though I haven't been to the gym in WEEKS i lost 2.5 pounds. Hello finals diet. Hello jeans I haven't worn in a year. Thinner and thinner still. Gotta love it.


Loving my life again despite you bitches!!!!

Me & Mr. Jones

What kind of fuckery is this?

This year....it was the best of times...it was the worst of times. Honestly, I don't know what to do about school anymore. Any time I'm not here, I'm having the best time, living my best life and the second I set foot on this campus it implodes. I've cracked it - its this place. This unholy, soul sucking place and most of the people populating it. I've decided that this place and all these people aren't real things. Just something I made up to hurt myself in any number of ways. At least I;m not miserable this Spring. Last year I was 10 steps from killing myself, probably literally and now, despite this places' best efforts I'm in love with my life. I can attribute any all issues with stress and pain and whatever else to this place. Whenever I'm not here, even when I'm working like a real adult job in an office (read cubicle) for 8 or 9 hours a day I feel great and exhilarated, even on the days when I fall asleep at my desk.


Next up: Senior Year!! Good Riddance to bad rubbish....

Note: I have solidly maintained my weight this year, an absolute 1st for my college career. I'm considering becoming a vegetarian for morally and weight reasons. I kind of don't like the meat industry in American and after years of immunity to those PETA vids (I could watch one while eating a meal from KFC. I know...I'm stone cold) I think about sad chickens and other sad poultry ( I already nixed pork and beef). Plus, there aren't fat vegetarians...well at least the ones that stay off the white pasta and cakes.

Wish me luck and more regular posts this summer.

XOXO

Winter

Sweet Disposition

The time of my life......

I've taken forever to post because I've been off on a lovely adventure and living a beautiful life. For the most part, for the first time in a long time, I've been charmed. I just spent the last through weeks living in New York and loving it. I finished the best semester of my life with the best grades I've had in years. I worked a great internship...that was paid! I finally loved myself enough to walk entirely away from Mr. Man and leave his crap behind. I'm walking into my new life with brand new spirit and brand new eyes. I'm sliding in 6 and squeezing into 4...so close now.

Head up...Eyes open....in everything I do.

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down...

This week hasn't really been bad at all. It hasn't been extraordinary, but it has been something. Classes have started and I actually got into all them despite 3 out of four being in extremely high demand. I;ve extricated myself from a few toxic relationship and managed to make some new ones. Other than a slight mixup at work, I've been relatively good with all my jobs.

Down to a 6.Gyming it up on a daily and still eating well. Fingers Crossed.

Mr. Man is back and for now. I think that's a very good thing.
I could use someone....



just like him.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

Don't Worry Baby

Does the scale lie? Work like a rear view mirror? Fat girl on scale may be larger than she appears.
The scales says 17 pounds down, but how accurate is that?

Back at school early tomorrow...will anyone notice? Last year it was all kudos. "Wow. You look so thin!" Will that every happen again?

On to happier times. Since today was my last day at home, I was hoping to see Mr. Man and luckily I ran into him as he was getting off work. I didn't get as close to him as I did on Monday, but it at least alleviated any thoughts that he had had his fun and now was done. He seemed bummed that I was leaving ad wants me to call and maintain the standard facebook communication with him while I'm out of town.

So much to think about, so much to want, so much to worry.

For You I Will (Confidence)

I saw him again today, and there was this one awkward moment while riding in his car, but for the most part it was absolutely lovely. He took me to him favorite organic supermarket downtown. We showed each other our favorite foods, - vegetables, snacks, teas. We even talked about what kinds of whole wheat flours we like to use.

I wanted to kiss him so badly, but..there are so many buts. But he just got out of a relationship. But I'm going back to school - in two days. But I don't think I'm his type. My friends like to think that he likes me and I think he was trying to get me to go out with him tonight. It would be just my luck that he likes them tall and skinny and blonde.

I wanted to kiss him so many times today but nothing seemed to fit. And no I'm not in that cute guy induced haze. He's smart, but he's not in school any more. He walked away from MIT and now refuses to even go to our local tech school. He's nice and sweet, but we don't have the same beliefs, which to me at least are very important.

Now that I've wasted this post on McHottie...onto my weight. My measurements have certainly shrunken along with the descending numbers on the scale. My mother, of all people told me that I looked thinner....in light colored jeans to boot (those things make your ass look like Mt. Rushmore). I'm more than half way to my goal...12 more pounds to go.

Living is Simple

Counting down the days...and right now living is simple and living is easy, at least for right now. I'm really not feeling anything except the the warm summer breeze and the urge to lay out. I have been so much more positive over the past few months, and I've been told that its disarming. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I certainly don't care. I feel good - great actually. The same is true from my appearance. Sweet 16...right on the scale. It may not be much for you, but for me it the start of something more beautiful and new.

Sidenote: I have finally met a man who intrigues me. Funny, intelligent (MIT), and attractive. Plus he's a smart-ass, just the way I like them. I could wish for something more, but the grind of school recommences in exactly one week. If only in my mind....

Paranoid

Why are you so paranoid?

In 15 days I'll be back in my college town. I have weeks of meetings, interviews, training, and work followed by the official start of the semester. I have a new found sense of hope and belief this summer, which is part of the reason behind my nonexistent posting over the summer. I am full of energy and life, but that is just as it was last year. That's were the fear and the edge of trepidation comes from.

My hope and faith however has allowed me to see that there is a difference, all be it small. That past hope, those dreams of better days were tinged with a sorrow and hopelessness that at the time I had pushed to the side. I believed that last year was the height of ideal and the pinnacle of my struggle against my bursting waistline.

So far I'm down almost 15, yes one - five, pounds and will continue to go that way until I reach my goal. Twelve more!

Orbiting

Another splendid day. I can only hope that this streak can continue. Whenever I have a random string of good days, it's only a matter of time until they're over, replaced by the relative regularity of depression and emptiness. I don't know if I can trust what feel right now, but it's hard not to go with a good feeling.

Something else that scares me - ed. I've been trying very hard to loose this weight in a healthy way, and I actually have been, but everyday I hear this voice in my head that says "You're not thin enough yet! You're not loosing enough, fast enough! Starve!". Every time I diet, I go beyond that and end up doing more harm than good. I've ever talk about it, but I pushed to try and recover this past winter and for the most part I did, but still struggle with being a healthy weight. I'll always want to loose more, even when I'm a perfectly healthy weight.

I think that voice will be there for a very long time, but for now I've been keeping it at bay...I feel a sense of change orbiting my life....

Little Pieces

Do hearts and souls come with return policies. It feels as though the answer to that question today is yes. I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks and, for now at least, I've been feeling fine...better than fine. Other than a few slight irritations, this week has been mostly positive. Had some laughs with a few old friends and for a while it felt just like old times again. My mother's been keeping herself busy and mostly out of my way. Anytime that we do interact, its been positive and mostly fun for us both.

In terms of weight - my ass has begun its retreat. I've been managing my weight pretty effectively and I've lost some weight, but no where near what I would like...but it's one little piece at a time. I was wrong before; coming home has given me a measure of piece, and something else. More and more pieces of myself seem to come back...

It's like I get to tell the world, no matter what, there's a little piece of me you can't have.