Empire State of Mind

Haven't been posting due to my internship in glorious NYC!!!!!
Back for the 2nd time at my social work gig, but it's not a bad thing at all. So what if I'm working with teen-aged delinquents, in a closet that I share with 3 others, and live in another unventelated closet on an air shaft. It's New York City and that alone is amazing.

In other news - I'm fat. Not as fat as I used to be, but fatter than when school ended. Isn't all this walking supposed to help shed the pounds...Let's try for a better tomorrow.....

Your Love Is My Drug

Home, home, home again!

The Thieves, They Are Everywhere

This just in..SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER! I wish it were forever, but another year won't hurt...much. Got my grades in....for a semester in which I did nearly nothing I had pretty good grades. Grade inflation...ain't life grand. Anyway, I'm finally done now and free of all this nonsense for another summer. My life next year will be very different and I can't figure out how I'm going to deal. I'm glad all this stuff is over, but I still have to look at the people who took away the things that made my life in this place. I don't know how I will manage, but all I can do is go with it.

She Will Be Loved

I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner n the pouring rain

Despite all the things that have happened to me this semester, all the things that have been taken from me I woke exhilaratingly happy. All the pain and anger I've felt in the past few weeks has melted away on its own. Every time I said I was stronger than this place or these people must have finally gotten through to the me on the inside. I'm done with most of my classes and with any luck, I'll have the final stretch done soon. Then home again....then back to the BIG APPLE.

Sidenote: all this finals and college stress has given me no chance to really east much. Though I haven't been to the gym in WEEKS i lost 2.5 pounds. Hello finals diet. Hello jeans I haven't worn in a year. Thinner and thinner still. Gotta love it.


Loving my life again despite you bitches!!!!

Red

We don't know how you're spending all of your days when love isn't here.

I can't wait to leave this place. School has finally broken the very last straw. If I could leave tomorrow and start my life afresh somewhere new, I would be on the first plane out. I found myself looking for jobs yesterday and I'm not even done with my degree yet. I hold no stock in the notion that everything will be perfect in this new place. More likely than not it will open the door to some fresh hell, but it will be somewhere else, some place else with new people and things to loathe.

My time on the outside is over...

Like the Sea

First it takes you high, then it takes you under

I just hated today. It was almost as if last year had returned to rear its ugly head. I don't like that feeling, as if the darkness could just reach up and take me over. I refuse to feel like that ever again. This year needs to end...NOW. I was so high first semester and now its trying to beat me low....almost as low as I was before. I will NEVER feel like that again. No matter what happens.

Sidenote: Feeling sick again. I haven't felt well at this semester and its most likely something in my intestines, probably my appendix or spleen since its coming from those areas. I have a doctors appointment for when I get back home. My mom's worried, but at this point I can't even do that. Serious or not, it is what it is. I have go to live the life that I have got.

Additional note: One of my friends is a damn fool if he thinks I'm gonna hook up with him. Ever. He can put that out his mind now, the ho.

Me & Mr. Jones

What kind of fuckery is this?

This year....it was the best of times...it was the worst of times. Honestly, I don't know what to do about school anymore. Any time I'm not here, I'm having the best time, living my best life and the second I set foot on this campus it implodes. I've cracked it - its this place. This unholy, soul sucking place and most of the people populating it. I've decided that this place and all these people aren't real things. Just something I made up to hurt myself in any number of ways. At least I;m not miserable this Spring. Last year I was 10 steps from killing myself, probably literally and now, despite this places' best efforts I'm in love with my life. I can attribute any all issues with stress and pain and whatever else to this place. Whenever I'm not here, even when I'm working like a real adult job in an office (read cubicle) for 8 or 9 hours a day I feel great and exhilarated, even on the days when I fall asleep at my desk.


Next up: Senior Year!! Good Riddance to bad rubbish....

Note: I have solidly maintained my weight this year, an absolute 1st for my college career. I'm considering becoming a vegetarian for morally and weight reasons. I kind of don't like the meat industry in American and after years of immunity to those PETA vids (I could watch one while eating a meal from KFC. I know...I'm stone cold) I think about sad chickens and other sad poultry ( I already nixed pork and beef). Plus, there aren't fat vegetarians...well at least the ones that stay off the white pasta and cakes.

Wish me luck and more regular posts this summer.

XOXO

Winter

Hometown Glory

I haven't posted in FOREVER! I've had such a had time this semester. It has literally been the best and worst year ever, simultaneously. So much is happening with my life here at school. I lost my job and now something weird is happening with the administration is tinkering around. My education is where I draw the line. As of now I'm deciding whether or not to leave. I have long theorized that this place is a hidden circle of hell where all bad things originate. You loose money, the weather is terrible, the food makes you fat.....what good could possibly come from this place? I love all my friends here, but i that worth it?
This feels like last year all over again. the countdown has commenced.

6 more weeks.....6 stops and home?

Sweet Disposition

The time of my life......

I've taken forever to post because I've been off on a lovely adventure and living a beautiful life. For the most part, for the first time in a long time, I've been charmed. I just spent the last through weeks living in New York and loving it. I finished the best semester of my life with the best grades I've had in years. I worked a great internship...that was paid! I finally loved myself enough to walk entirely away from Mr. Man and leave his crap behind. I'm walking into my new life with brand new spirit and brand new eyes. I'm sliding in 6 and squeezing into 4...so close now.

Head up...Eyes open....in everything I do.

Stability

The past few weeks have been rough. I don't really know what's going on and I've been kind of walking around in a bit of a daze. Nothing terrible or dire has happened, but it still hasn't been heavy. I'm home for the holidays this week and the stress from school has been sort of pushed to the wayside...along with my diet. Despite that I seem to have lost a pound in the few days I've been home anyway. As long as I get to rest for a while I sadly don't seem to care.

Note: Mr. Man....what could I possibly have to say to or about this man. He's been a wreck while I've been away. He want's to talk to me for hours on end at all times of the day and night, he's talked about visiting, and spent yesterday climbing all over me and yet he doesn't want to be called "boyfriend" and he went out to some party and came back with a hickey yesterday. When he knew I'd be back....at least lie to me and act like you want to be with me. Do you want to be in a relationship....or do you want "something else". I am no man's booty call. Period.

She Wolf

This has been an up and down kind of week/month(/life, if we're going to be real about it). I got a terrible grade on a midterm and then got a great grade back on a paper. I have 3 more papers due in the next week. I have started on none. That hurts my soul...just a little.

I also managed to loose two pounds in the last two weeks. I am now below the weight I was before I started gaining. If I can keep this up, I'll be my ideal weight in no time.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving though...I need the time away from this place. School has in now way pulled me into the downward spiral which it did last year and quiet frankly I wouldn't let it. I would kill to keep that kind of darkness away. Right now I have my body (not all of it, but getting close), I have my mind (my grades have been pretty good, for now), my heart (I
m breaking up with Mr. Man, of my own choice and it actually doesn't hurt). I have so much right now, so much that I would kill to keep. I just need to keep it up and if I'm lucky I can get myself even more. Like a wolf stalking its prey....

There, There

What am I to do?

I feel as though I have been walking in a fog. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. There is something so strange about that feeling and I don't seem to be able to nail everything down.

Mr. Man.....what I complex subject. His mother doesn't like me and has made that abundantly clear...through the phone, even. After that, I sort of reevaluated my feelings and I want him gone and I want him so badly at the same time. I don't understand what's going on with it but I can feel as though I want out. I'd rather be alone that deal with this.

He called on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored him....He then jilted me for the past two nights. What's a sad, silly little girl to do.


School...oh school. I'm convinced that my little New England school is evil and all around bad for you. It makes you fat (I've gained 2.6 pounds over that last two weeks, while busting my ass at the gym nearly everyday), self loathing and depressed - and those are the good days. I've been trudging along and doing pretty well at it, until this week. Midterms reared their ugly head and have taken a chuck out of the brand new academic life I wanted for myself this year.

All I can do is keep my head up, look forward and walk into the light.

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down...

This week hasn't really been bad at all. It hasn't been extraordinary, but it has been something. Classes have started and I actually got into all them despite 3 out of four being in extremely high demand. I;ve extricated myself from a few toxic relationship and managed to make some new ones. Other than a slight mixup at work, I've been relatively good with all my jobs.

Down to a 6.Gyming it up on a daily and still eating well. Fingers Crossed.

Mr. Man is back and for now. I think that's a very good thing.
I could use someone....



just like him.

Lie Through Your Teeth

Up and down.

My life feels like a constant roller coaster ride, filled with these amazing highs and tumultuous lows. I keep trying to eat healthy and stay on top of my diet, but its so hard when I'm not cooking my own meals and I have planned meetings and traing with food and no means of escape.

Stuck with those people again... Some of them are great and some are just nightmares to be around. What kills me is that it still hurts when even they don't want to be around me. Some people do care, but you know how that goes - for every one that does your mind will find 10 more that would leave you to die.

Mr. Man has unilaterally decided to discontinue our relationship, whatever it was or may have become. Its over now.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

The (After) Life of the Party

Surrounded.

On all sides and by all obstacles. School never fails to disappoint. I've been here for four days and my great summer moral is nearly completely shot. Our director, who normally I love, has been completely weird with me and I don't know why. We're in our training phase and I hope its either a)I'm no longer directly on her staff, or b) she's stressed out. But you know me, any excuse to think I've done something wrong and deserve to be treated like shit. Also, she fat and one of those people that belives the world is sizist, ie its not my fault so I can stuff my face. Again I love her, but she lives in total denile. She also supervised the food shopping. Can you say litterally, and I mean literally 3 full car loads of just left overs that we moved today. Fat me, part duex in 3..2..

My birthday was yesterday and I couldn't be with anyone who really cared about me.

Even I forgot for a while.

I feel so empty here.

I feel so alone.

At training I'm put into this forced awkward group situation where I feel as though no one wants me around. I'm not what anyone wants or expects. I'm the zeppo. No one knows or cares to know. But I'm forced to stay and watch myself be excluded. The worst part is the very unfortunate catch 22 that is created: If you stay you're left totally alone in a room full of people and if you leave they get to blame their lack of interaction on you being aloof.

Note: Mr. Man has forgotten I exist.

I miss my mother. I miss church. I miss my friends.

Now I'm left signing songs that only catch the ears of the desperate.

Welcome Back.

Don't Worry Baby

Does the scale lie? Work like a rear view mirror? Fat girl on scale may be larger than she appears.
The scales says 17 pounds down, but how accurate is that?

Back at school early tomorrow...will anyone notice? Last year it was all kudos. "Wow. You look so thin!" Will that every happen again?

On to happier times. Since today was my last day at home, I was hoping to see Mr. Man and luckily I ran into him as he was getting off work. I didn't get as close to him as I did on Monday, but it at least alleviated any thoughts that he had had his fun and now was done. He seemed bummed that I was leaving ad wants me to call and maintain the standard facebook communication with him while I'm out of town.

So much to think about, so much to want, so much to worry.

For You I Will (Confidence)

I saw him again today, and there was this one awkward moment while riding in his car, but for the most part it was absolutely lovely. He took me to him favorite organic supermarket downtown. We showed each other our favorite foods, - vegetables, snacks, teas. We even talked about what kinds of whole wheat flours we like to use.

I wanted to kiss him so badly, but..there are so many buts. But he just got out of a relationship. But I'm going back to school - in two days. But I don't think I'm his type. My friends like to think that he likes me and I think he was trying to get me to go out with him tonight. It would be just my luck that he likes them tall and skinny and blonde.

I wanted to kiss him so many times today but nothing seemed to fit. And no I'm not in that cute guy induced haze. He's smart, but he's not in school any more. He walked away from MIT and now refuses to even go to our local tech school. He's nice and sweet, but we don't have the same beliefs, which to me at least are very important.

Now that I've wasted this post on McHottie...onto my weight. My measurements have certainly shrunken along with the descending numbers on the scale. My mother, of all people told me that I looked thinner....in light colored jeans to boot (those things make your ass look like Mt. Rushmore). I'm more than half way to my goal...12 more pounds to go.

Living is Simple

Counting down the days...and right now living is simple and living is easy, at least for right now. I'm really not feeling anything except the the warm summer breeze and the urge to lay out. I have been so much more positive over the past few months, and I've been told that its disarming. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I certainly don't care. I feel good - great actually. The same is true from my appearance. Sweet 16...right on the scale. It may not be much for you, but for me it the start of something more beautiful and new.

Sidenote: I have finally met a man who intrigues me. Funny, intelligent (MIT), and attractive. Plus he's a smart-ass, just the way I like them. I could wish for something more, but the grind of school recommences in exactly one week. If only in my mind....