She Wolf

This has been an up and down kind of week/month(/life, if we're going to be real about it). I got a terrible grade on a midterm and then got a great grade back on a paper. I have 3 more papers due in the next week. I have started on none. That hurts my soul...just a little.

I also managed to loose two pounds in the last two weeks. I am now below the weight I was before I started gaining. If I can keep this up, I'll be my ideal weight in no time.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving though...I need the time away from this place. School has in now way pulled me into the downward spiral which it did last year and quiet frankly I wouldn't let it. I would kill to keep that kind of darkness away. Right now I have my body (not all of it, but getting close), I have my mind (my grades have been pretty good, for now), my heart (I
m breaking up with Mr. Man, of my own choice and it actually doesn't hurt). I have so much right now, so much that I would kill to keep. I just need to keep it up and if I'm lucky I can get myself even more. Like a wolf stalking its prey....

There, There

What am I to do?

I feel as though I have been walking in a fog. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. There is something so strange about that feeling and I don't seem to be able to nail everything down.

Mr. Man.....what I complex subject. His mother doesn't like me and has made that abundantly clear...through the phone, even. After that, I sort of reevaluated my feelings and I want him gone and I want him so badly at the same time. I don't understand what's going on with it but I can feel as though I want out. I'd rather be alone that deal with this.

He called on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored him....He then jilted me for the past two nights. What's a sad, silly little girl to do.


School...oh school. I'm convinced that my little New England school is evil and all around bad for you. It makes you fat (I've gained 2.6 pounds over that last two weeks, while busting my ass at the gym nearly everyday), self loathing and depressed - and those are the good days. I've been trudging along and doing pretty well at it, until this week. Midterms reared their ugly head and have taken a chuck out of the brand new academic life I wanted for myself this year.

All I can do is keep my head up, look forward and walk into the light.

Noticed

What is this extraordinary month and how can I bottle it for later consumption?

It seems as if the world has decided to get out of my way; bending over backward to make room for me. What is this? Maybe I shouldn't question it. I should just be grateful and move on with a smile on my face.

School has been breezing on by with what feels like little effort. Despite that, I'm caught up with all my classes and haven't missed or been late on one assignment or paper yet.

I'm still losing...getting smaller and smaller everyday. So everyone says..."You look so good." I had a guy I know basically summon me over to his table at dinner tonight just to complement me. Had a weigh in today down another 3 pounds.

I can't believe I've never noticed....


Note: Mr. Man mad a verbal declaration of his feelings and has been hinting at visiting me here at school. If I'm not careful....I may fall for him.

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down...

This week hasn't really been bad at all. It hasn't been extraordinary, but it has been something. Classes have started and I actually got into all them despite 3 out of four being in extremely high demand. I;ve extricated myself from a few toxic relationship and managed to make some new ones. Other than a slight mixup at work, I've been relatively good with all my jobs.

Down to a 6.Gyming it up on a daily and still eating well. Fingers Crossed.

Mr. Man is back and for now. I think that's a very good thing.
I could use someone....



just like him.

Lie Through Your Teeth

Up and down.

My life feels like a constant roller coaster ride, filled with these amazing highs and tumultuous lows. I keep trying to eat healthy and stay on top of my diet, but its so hard when I'm not cooking my own meals and I have planned meetings and traing with food and no means of escape.

Stuck with those people again... Some of them are great and some are just nightmares to be around. What kills me is that it still hurts when even they don't want to be around me. Some people do care, but you know how that goes - for every one that does your mind will find 10 more that would leave you to die.

Mr. Man has unilaterally decided to discontinue our relationship, whatever it was or may have become. Its over now.

Mr. Brightside

Awesome.

That's what this week has turned out to be. I thought that everything was turning to shit again, an low and behold the world has just become this glorious thing.

I enjoyed training this year 1000000 times more than I did last year. The people are much better and nice and so genuine and I got to go through it with a friend. I met the sweetest, most interesting underclassmen, especially someone who will only be identified as G. G is amazing: smart, funny, super liberal. If he weren't entrenched in this very serious relationship ( I think his sig other is so cute and great too) I would try to hit that....or at least think about it.

That is if it weren't for Mr. Man. We have been calling and fbing almost everyday and tonight I think we started to pass some of the hurdles I've been fearing.

I want him and school and my life so bad.....I want everything....
destiny is calling me........

The (After) Life of the Party

Surrounded.

On all sides and by all obstacles. School never fails to disappoint. I've been here for four days and my great summer moral is nearly completely shot. Our director, who normally I love, has been completely weird with me and I don't know why. We're in our training phase and I hope its either a)I'm no longer directly on her staff, or b) she's stressed out. But you know me, any excuse to think I've done something wrong and deserve to be treated like shit. Also, she fat and one of those people that belives the world is sizist, ie its not my fault so I can stuff my face. Again I love her, but she lives in total denile. She also supervised the food shopping. Can you say litterally, and I mean literally 3 full car loads of just left overs that we moved today. Fat me, part duex in 3..2..

My birthday was yesterday and I couldn't be with anyone who really cared about me.

Even I forgot for a while.

I feel so empty here.

I feel so alone.

At training I'm put into this forced awkward group situation where I feel as though no one wants me around. I'm not what anyone wants or expects. I'm the zeppo. No one knows or cares to know. But I'm forced to stay and watch myself be excluded. The worst part is the very unfortunate catch 22 that is created: If you stay you're left totally alone in a room full of people and if you leave they get to blame their lack of interaction on you being aloof.

Note: Mr. Man has forgotten I exist.

I miss my mother. I miss church. I miss my friends.

Now I'm left signing songs that only catch the ears of the desperate.

Welcome Back.