Like the Sea

First it takes you high, then it takes you under

I just hated today. It was almost as if last year had returned to rear its ugly head. I don't like that feeling, as if the darkness could just reach up and take me over. I refuse to feel like that ever again. This year needs to end...NOW. I was so high first semester and now its trying to beat me low....almost as low as I was before. I will NEVER feel like that again. No matter what happens.

Sidenote: Feeling sick again. I haven't felt well at this semester and its most likely something in my intestines, probably my appendix or spleen since its coming from those areas. I have a doctors appointment for when I get back home. My mom's worried, but at this point I can't even do that. Serious or not, it is what it is. I have go to live the life that I have got.

Additional note: One of my friends is a damn fool if he thinks I'm gonna hook up with him. Ever. He can put that out his mind now, the ho.

Me & Mr. Jones

What kind of fuckery is this?

This year....it was the best of times...it was the worst of times. Honestly, I don't know what to do about school anymore. Any time I'm not here, I'm having the best time, living my best life and the second I set foot on this campus it implodes. I've cracked it - its this place. This unholy, soul sucking place and most of the people populating it. I've decided that this place and all these people aren't real things. Just something I made up to hurt myself in any number of ways. At least I;m not miserable this Spring. Last year I was 10 steps from killing myself, probably literally and now, despite this places' best efforts I'm in love with my life. I can attribute any all issues with stress and pain and whatever else to this place. Whenever I'm not here, even when I'm working like a real adult job in an office (read cubicle) for 8 or 9 hours a day I feel great and exhilarated, even on the days when I fall asleep at my desk.


Next up: Senior Year!! Good Riddance to bad rubbish....

Note: I have solidly maintained my weight this year, an absolute 1st for my college career. I'm considering becoming a vegetarian for morally and weight reasons. I kind of don't like the meat industry in American and after years of immunity to those PETA vids (I could watch one while eating a meal from KFC. I know...I'm stone cold) I think about sad chickens and other sad poultry ( I already nixed pork and beef). Plus, there aren't fat vegetarians...well at least the ones that stay off the white pasta and cakes.

Wish me luck and more regular posts this summer.

XOXO

Winter

Hometown Glory

I haven't posted in FOREVER! I've had such a had time this semester. It has literally been the best and worst year ever, simultaneously. So much is happening with my life here at school. I lost my job and now something weird is happening with the administration is tinkering around. My education is where I draw the line. As of now I'm deciding whether or not to leave. I have long theorized that this place is a hidden circle of hell where all bad things originate. You loose money, the weather is terrible, the food makes you fat.....what good could possibly come from this place? I love all my friends here, but i that worth it?
This feels like last year all over again. the countdown has commenced.

6 more weeks.....6 stops and home?

Sweet Disposition

The time of my life......

I've taken forever to post because I've been off on a lovely adventure and living a beautiful life. For the most part, for the first time in a long time, I've been charmed. I just spent the last through weeks living in New York and loving it. I finished the best semester of my life with the best grades I've had in years. I worked a great internship...that was paid! I finally loved myself enough to walk entirely away from Mr. Man and leave his crap behind. I'm walking into my new life with brand new spirit and brand new eyes. I'm sliding in 6 and squeezing into 4...so close now.

Head up...Eyes open....in everything I do.

Stability

The past few weeks have been rough. I don't really know what's going on and I've been kind of walking around in a bit of a daze. Nothing terrible or dire has happened, but it still hasn't been heavy. I'm home for the holidays this week and the stress from school has been sort of pushed to the wayside...along with my diet. Despite that I seem to have lost a pound in the few days I've been home anyway. As long as I get to rest for a while I sadly don't seem to care.

Note: Mr. Man....what could I possibly have to say to or about this man. He's been a wreck while I've been away. He want's to talk to me for hours on end at all times of the day and night, he's talked about visiting, and spent yesterday climbing all over me and yet he doesn't want to be called "boyfriend" and he went out to some party and came back with a hickey yesterday. When he knew I'd be back....at least lie to me and act like you want to be with me. Do you want to be in a relationship....or do you want "something else". I am no man's booty call. Period.

She Wolf

This has been an up and down kind of week/month(/life, if we're going to be real about it). I got a terrible grade on a midterm and then got a great grade back on a paper. I have 3 more papers due in the next week. I have started on none. That hurts my soul...just a little.

I also managed to loose two pounds in the last two weeks. I am now below the weight I was before I started gaining. If I can keep this up, I'll be my ideal weight in no time.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving though...I need the time away from this place. School has in now way pulled me into the downward spiral which it did last year and quiet frankly I wouldn't let it. I would kill to keep that kind of darkness away. Right now I have my body (not all of it, but getting close), I have my mind (my grades have been pretty good, for now), my heart (I
m breaking up with Mr. Man, of my own choice and it actually doesn't hurt). I have so much right now, so much that I would kill to keep. I just need to keep it up and if I'm lucky I can get myself even more. Like a wolf stalking its prey....

There, There

What am I to do?

I feel as though I have been walking in a fog. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. There is something so strange about that feeling and I don't seem to be able to nail everything down.

Mr. Man.....what I complex subject. His mother doesn't like me and has made that abundantly clear...through the phone, even. After that, I sort of reevaluated my feelings and I want him gone and I want him so badly at the same time. I don't understand what's going on with it but I can feel as though I want out. I'd rather be alone that deal with this.

He called on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored him....He then jilted me for the past two nights. What's a sad, silly little girl to do.


School...oh school. I'm convinced that my little New England school is evil and all around bad for you. It makes you fat (I've gained 2.6 pounds over that last two weeks, while busting my ass at the gym nearly everyday), self loathing and depressed - and those are the good days. I've been trudging along and doing pretty well at it, until this week. Midterms reared their ugly head and have taken a chuck out of the brand new academic life I wanted for myself this year.

All I can do is keep my head up, look forward and walk into the light.