Transatlanticism

I spent a good part of today just doing something for myself. And it felt great. I could just move away from all the haze and craziness and just BE...then it was back to the real world. I sat through a meeting tonight and all I wanted to do was disengage. I don't belong there, with those people, in this place. We are incompatible. I am incompatible. With everything, everyone, everywhere.

"Growing up, I assumed I was the word that rhymed with none other - like 'silver' or 'orange', glistening bright, but sonnet foiling and always solitary traveling." - Kenji Yoshino, Covering

That's one of my favorite sayings that relates to myself. The second I read it that's all I could think.

Another thing that is not contributing to my mood is a very passive agressive e-mail that I recieved tonight. I kind of want to send a response, but I have more dignity, and less worthless time, than that would require. I would like to say, though, I refuse to lie for people. If you messed up, then you messed up. That's not me hating what you do. That's not me bashing. That's just life. If mine isn't a walk in the park, why should yours get to be?

Better In Time

Millions of little pastel pills. I wish I could surround myself with one that took care of each of my problems. A pill to fix my grades, a pill to drop my weight, a pill to fix my life, and a pill to take it away. I felt supremely lonely today, even in large rooms filled with people. Isolated. Alone. At least ana was my friend and I had her to hug my lovely bones. Without her, it seems, I have no one and nothing left.

We Do What We Want To

I'm having trouble gaining ground. Sometimes I can't feel what's going on inside of me or what's going on in the world. I lose, I gain. In the end all those pluses and minuses add up to me being nothing. Today was one of those day's were I just made myself numb. I didn't try to feel what I didn't want to . I had things to do, but I ignored them and went on my merry way. I also ate whatever crosses my path, not thinking, just being absent minded. I did this to myself...we only do what we really want to....

Someday You WIll Be Loved

Rejected. I just lost a great job. I'm stuck between needing to go home and needing a job. Last year I managed to pull i tout. I managed to keep myself and my life together. I got the job I thought I wanted, the life I thought I would love. Instead this year has been terrible at turn after turn.. My grades...my weight....my money...my life. I can only pray that someday will change this. Someday I'll be different. Someday I will be loved.....At least I hope so.

Here Is Gone

I felt the beginnings of a panic attack today. I was taking an exam and I thought, for once, that I finally know the material...and then I turned the page...I just failed the first one and I could afford to do the same today, but it happened again. I spoke to my parents tonight and I almost begged to come home. I feel like I'm losing it - losing everything. My grades, my body, my mind.....2009 seems is shaping up to be just the same as before...losing everything I thought I could be. Maybe I only think I'm losing myself. Maybe I was never really real at all.

I just made you up to hurt myself.

Celebrity Skin

I have the same bathing suit. Its exactly the same...right down to the little embroidery on the hip. But mine doesn't fit and I don't think it ever willl. I want to be thin, thinner, the thinnest...I need it so bad. I hate myself in this body, but I just can't seem to stop or change, the good days are over, the shit days are back.

Champagne From a Paper Cup

PARTY!!!! That was my last night.....all night and not by choice. I'm one of the heads of a club and it was the first party since an attack on campus so we were on high alert. the downside, on of many, was that most my friends, also club heads, were drunk for no reason. Lovely. Yesterday felt so of kilter after two days of inner bliss. Whatever confidence I had about my life turning a positive corner were in doubt. It seems as though even the weather has turned on me...Maybe the past few days were all an illusion and today is real again. Its just like champagne from a paper cup or eating caviar on Ritz crackers....two things that just don't belong, giving the illusion of greatness with the reality of life.

Different Names For the Same Thing

This was the second glorious day I've had in a row and I love it. I can't believe my life right now. It was actually raining and gloomy and I still enjoyed my life; the only problem is that I have this sinking feeling, like the other shoe is just waiting to drop on me. My weight is gogin down, I feel like I'm doing my work on time and well. I feel like its all just going to slip away. It's like my happiness is just that same as being delusional.

like looking in the mirror - everything is backwards and turned around....

Vindicated

Another great day. I'm not stressed for once. For the first time in a long great while, I feel fine. Despite living on absolutely no sleep I had an incredible day, well at least from my perspective, It was warm and bright I had my work together and done. I'm loving my life right now.

I can only imagine how long this can last. I wish i could bottle this time and open it up when I'm having a bad day. Like instant sunshine.

Your're all I need......

Time to Pretend

Today felt a little better. I'm up doing work and waiting for my hair to dry. I feel a little less depressed than I have the last few days, but it seems like everyone and everything is trying to take that away from me. Just got a really bs e-mail, but I'm just not going to think about it right now. Forget them. I've got bigger and better, or rather thinner and prettier things to worry about.

I've lost a bit, not much, but its less that I was yester day and the day before. I wore a new outfit and got a ton of compliments. Today it was for my clothes, next time I want it to be for how they hang off me.