Fluorescent Adolescent

This past month has been hectic and hard. Finals, moving, working all in quick succession. I did manage to pull my myself out of my academic nosedive with a last minute flourish and, at least for now, I'll still still be okay going into thesis writing. I've been going to the gym lately, too, but not as hard as I used to. This summer may just be the time that I need to pull myself together. Even though I've been feeling a bit depressed, its nothing like they way I'd felt earlier this year. Now, when I think about the summer and going how I think about how good it will feel and I start to glow from the inside. I feel like I could light up the room if I wanted - and now I'm finally happy enough to try.

Thinking of You

I have been under tremendous stress this week. Its finals here and I have been working myself to the bone. I literally wrote 10 pages of two papers the night before last. I then stayed up last night making note cards for an exam I have later this week. If I can do that and get this last 15 pg. behemoth I'm nearly home free. I've even lost weight ths week. I'm down two pounds without straving or exercising. Who knew? Home free.....I can see it now. My own bed, my old life, my mom....I can almost smell that sweet southern air already....

I actually felt a bit better yesterday. I was not so south of smiling. Me, actually being happy. Its an almost unsettling surprise everytime and I love the litte glimmers of it I do get.

When I'm with him....when I'm here......i'm thinking of you


I am Jack's disjointed smile

No Sunlight

I've had some really deep conversations this week and I've come to the conclusion that I cannot connect to other people. I've tried to tell them how I feel and why and I've literally gotten blank stares. They don't know why I can't just make myself happy. Truthfully, neither do I. It seems as though I will be afforded none of the understanding that I have previously given to others. I say previously because I don't think I have the strength or will to care about anyone else like that anymore. Looking back on my life I've started to see myself as a vessel, both full and yet completely empty. I've yearned to be filled with everyone else's feelings and needs yet desperate to get mine own out. I think in some ways I tried to do the say with my weight and food. I want to fill my self up and yet I need to get rid of it all. I simultaneously feel okay with that weight, that heaviness but I can't deal with it either.

I am Jack's wounded eyes.....

Sometimes I have these great lovely days and I remember little glimmers from past ones. Just like the sun's rays on my face. My life now is as if clouds have rolled in.

I am Jack's broken heart....

There's no sunlight anymore.

Transatlanticism

I spent a good part of today just doing something for myself. And it felt great. I could just move away from all the haze and craziness and just BE...then it was back to the real world. I sat through a meeting tonight and all I wanted to do was disengage. I don't belong there, with those people, in this place. We are incompatible. I am incompatible. With everything, everyone, everywhere.

"Growing up, I assumed I was the word that rhymed with none other - like 'silver' or 'orange', glistening bright, but sonnet foiling and always solitary traveling." - Kenji Yoshino, Covering

That's one of my favorite sayings that relates to myself. The second I read it that's all I could think.

Another thing that is not contributing to my mood is a very passive agressive e-mail that I recieved tonight. I kind of want to send a response, but I have more dignity, and less worthless time, than that would require. I would like to say, though, I refuse to lie for people. If you messed up, then you messed up. That's not me hating what you do. That's not me bashing. That's just life. If mine isn't a walk in the park, why should yours get to be?

Better In Time

Millions of little pastel pills. I wish I could surround myself with one that took care of each of my problems. A pill to fix my grades, a pill to drop my weight, a pill to fix my life, and a pill to take it away. I felt supremely lonely today, even in large rooms filled with people. Isolated. Alone. At least ana was my friend and I had her to hug my lovely bones. Without her, it seems, I have no one and nothing left.

We Do What We Want To

I'm having trouble gaining ground. Sometimes I can't feel what's going on inside of me or what's going on in the world. I lose, I gain. In the end all those pluses and minuses add up to me being nothing. Today was one of those day's were I just made myself numb. I didn't try to feel what I didn't want to . I had things to do, but I ignored them and went on my merry way. I also ate whatever crosses my path, not thinking, just being absent minded. I did this to myself...we only do what we really want to....

Someday You WIll Be Loved

Rejected. I just lost a great job. I'm stuck between needing to go home and needing a job. Last year I managed to pull i tout. I managed to keep myself and my life together. I got the job I thought I wanted, the life I thought I would love. Instead this year has been terrible at turn after turn.. My grades...my weight....my money...my life. I can only pray that someday will change this. Someday I'll be different. Someday I will be loved.....At least I hope so.