Closer

Everyday I get a little closer, dear -
I don't feel thinner, but everyone, including the scale says I am. TEN! Hopefully that will be more on by this Saturday. I have five more weeks until I'm back at the salt mines - ah the glorious grasp of private New England college. Painfully thin girls, athletically trim boys, and the snowy winters to die for.....

Here's a bit my thinspo collection to make up for my recent absence

Orbiting

Another splendid day. I can only hope that this streak can continue. Whenever I have a random string of good days, it's only a matter of time until they're over, replaced by the relative regularity of depression and emptiness. I don't know if I can trust what feel right now, but it's hard not to go with a good feeling.

Something else that scares me - ed. I've been trying very hard to loose this weight in a healthy way, and I actually have been, but everyday I hear this voice in my head that says "You're not thin enough yet! You're not loosing enough, fast enough! Starve!". Every time I diet, I go beyond that and end up doing more harm than good. I've ever talk about it, but I pushed to try and recover this past winter and for the most part I did, but still struggle with being a healthy weight. I'll always want to loose more, even when I'm a perfectly healthy weight.

I think that voice will be there for a very long time, but for now I've been keeping it at bay...I feel a sense of change orbiting my life....

Little Pieces

Do hearts and souls come with return policies. It feels as though the answer to that question today is yes. I've been rather depressed for the past few weeks and, for now at least, I've been feeling fine...better than fine. Other than a few slight irritations, this week has been mostly positive. Had some laughs with a few old friends and for a while it felt just like old times again. My mother's been keeping herself busy and mostly out of my way. Anytime that we do interact, its been positive and mostly fun for us both.

In terms of weight - my ass has begun its retreat. I've been managing my weight pretty effectively and I've lost some weight, but no where near what I would like...but it's one little piece at a time. I was wrong before; coming home has given me a measure of piece, and something else. More and more pieces of myself seem to come back...

It's like I get to tell the world, no matter what, there's a little piece of me you can't have.

We're So Starving

Weight Watchers - up and down. I feel like I'm losing some and gaining some. There's now real way for me to tell. This is a bit of digression, but its my blog and I'll babble if I want to. Last year, while I was dabbling in my second encounter with ana, I had a wonderful scale that measure to the tenth of pound. I purchased it when I first began flirting with her during my freshman year, but alas it was left behind during this year's christmass break and an inferior replacement was purchased.

And thus, I don't know where I stand. I feel as though I have lost some wieght, but I don't at the same time. It's actually quite nerve racking. These feelings have only been reinforced by my own mother and her constant need to let me know how fat I am. (I don't think she relizes that despite the fact that she lost weight - she still looks fat. If you're my height 130 looks fat, and she's shorter with the same body type....so you draw that picture for yourself.)

I'm only really going to the meetings for her though. I've gotten to the point were I don't really care about anything anymore. My life isn't for me anyway, so why worry about it.
Side note - jobless; this economy....well you know already.....

The Sound of Settliing

Why did I think that a change of scenery would change my life. I mut have forgotten that this year was the year of losses, a year on a metaphorical skid row. The worst part about it is that I hate people who complain avout that sort of thing and I really feel as though I did try. I tried so hard to keep my head above water in all the things that turned on me, but there is only so much that you can do, only so much that you can control.

that's what I've thought about today. All the things that bother me and all the things I've lost. Its not the first time and I doubt that it will be the last. I still think its because I was never really meant to live a life. I don't mean to say that my life, my existence is a mistake, just that the life I wanted is not what I'm supposed to have. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was special like a princess or a something and that the world was the way that it was so that I wouldn't suspect it; that all the people I saw and spoke to were actors or robots sent to move my life story along. Now I realize that I was right, that there are robots and certain special people, I was only wrong about which side I was on...

I just joined weight watchers last weekend, to make my mother happy even though I know -

Stop & Stare II

I thought coming homw would be just what I needed..and like everything else it proved to be just in oasis in a desert full of emptiess and lies (oh God, I sound like some pathetic Twilight obsessed teenager, don't I). My mother, who is obsessed with body image and weight has constantly talked about how noticeable my weight gain is...to anyone that will listen. She said so, in front of my best friend, who I haven't seen in ages. He was at least polite, nice, and tactful enough to move on very quickly, but then again he has his own problems right now. I also had a very strange deja vu involving my old high school and my ex's little brother, who looks just like him. It almost felt like the 2 years that have gone by in the interum were never there and then I looked down. Everything aout me is different, my hair is crapy and short now, I feel stupid and fat and the world has done everything to make that very clear to me.

I have this notion that my life has certain running themes. One of them is the idea that the while the world moves on, changes, and grows...I don't. All I can do is watch. It's happened nearly my whole life. Small things change, but not much. Sometimes I wonder....does everyone see what I see?